9W = Meltdown

I don't feel "tired". I have never felt "pregnancy exhaustion". Call me lucky. Call me what you want. But today, I must be a bit hormonal. I was looking at baby names online. Specifically at Saints names. There is a name that we like for the middle name, if we have a girl. And when I looked it up under the saints name, the meaning was "God has mercy". Well that just took my breath away and brought the tears to my eyes. How beautiful and meaningful is that?

I know that for today, and in the moment, we are very blessed to be pregnant again. We know, and we are not trying to be pessimistic, that this still does not guarantee a baby in 7-months. However, I would like to think that if this baby is meant to be held in our in our arms for years to come, and not just in our hearts, then God has given mercy on us. I've had my moments with Him for the last few months, and I know there is no shame in that. I know it's a part of the "normal" emotional roller coaster we have endured during the grieving process. But it never feels good to be on the "outs" with God. I might not be the best church going Catholic, but I do have faith, and I have many moments, and I know God listens, and that I don't need to be in His house on Sunday to be in His good graces.

Back to the meltdown. I lost it after a haircut today. Lost it. I didn't like the way it was done in November, and apparently that set me up for disaster. She layered my hair, but used a razor, and made the ends look thin and my hair overall frizzy. Short of chopping my hair off, there's not much I can do but wait it out. In addition to that, my color is awful. I haven't had it done since October 8th (I'm a human calendar), and I can't get it done again until after the first trimester. So, I at least have an appointment for March 29th, and I blocked extra time, because this one is going to be a doozy. I used to have BEAUTIFUL thick hair with a very pretty color. Now, it's been colored or "bleached" too much, the ends are razored and I have a brown crown around my head. Not to mention, my hair has lost some of it's thickness to the point that my hairdresser called it "fine"!!! This definitely contributed to the tear fest.

What did all of this mean? It meant that I made it to my car and then lost it. I walked into the house with a bright red face full of tears and Dave was bewildered. He did his best to make me feel better, but I know, in my heart of hearts, my hair looks like crap.

And now that I cried, I will be tired tomorrow. Not pregnancy tired, but tired from crying.

That was kind of long vent....but otherwise my life is magnificent!

September 29th?? October 2nd?? 7w3d

Happy Valentines Day to us!!!

What a day! Our ultrasound was at 2pm today, and it was just the best Valentine's Day gift we could have ever received. First, the pregnancy is viable!!! There was a baby, and a heartbeat, and s/he measured at 7W3D. I knew I was only 7-weeks along. It's always so nice when I'm right. This takes a bit of pressure off, however, earlier would be better because I'm in a wedding October 10th, and come hell or high water, I will be in that wedding!

When they were taking the measurements, the doctor asked the technician if she saw one or two sacs. Of course, I was on the edge of my seat hoping like hell she would say two. Of course David was like, "only one, right?" In the end, we have ONE beautiful baby growing in there today and we are thrilled beyond belief.

Immediately after the ultrasound, we met with our counselor and developed our plan. I am so excited that we actually have a plan!!!! I need to make some appointments tomorrow for the beginning of March, and then again mid-March. Words cannot describe our excitement.

I did ask the counselor if she thought our doctor would let me be induced a few weeks early, for the sake of my friends wedding, and she said "probably not. They prefer babies to bake as long as possible". I know it's a stretch, and probably horribly wrong to even ask, but I will. And know that I at least asked.

At this rate, it looks like we will be able to share our joy the week of March 24th. That's almost six-weeks from now....and I'm sure I'll be busting at the seems, but I'm planning to hold out that long. It will be worth the wait.

I'll post the pictures of the bean soon. It's kind of a zoomed in picture. At our March 18th appointment, she said we would get a really good picture, so that's cool :)

September 24th

So, that is the date that we were told today. Due to a misunderstanding, we did not have our ultrasound appointment yet. We will have that on Thursday, Valentine's Day as a part of our next appointment. I guess it could be worse. It was kind of disappointing though. I was so excited/nervous to see the little bean on the monitor.

I really felt good about it to on the way there. I wore my Angela necklace and I heard "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's" which I have always thought of as Angela's song :) It gave me confidence. So, now, tomorrow night I will have difficulty sleeping...again...thinking about the day to come.

Valentine's will *hopefully* be extra special this year. A sign of how much love is in our hearts and how excited we are to meet our peanut. Or at least see her via ultrasound.

Dave liked our new doctor too. That was a good sign. He didn't like the 2-hours it took for a pretty basic appointment, but to quote him, he said "at least she has a personality".

So I guess today wasn't a total wash.

Big Day Tomorrow!!!

So, I'm either 7weeks or 8weeks today. We'll find out tomorrow when we go in for our first ultrasound! Of course, I'm crossing my fingers like all hell that everything is going to be all right. As confident as I'm trying to be, I still have my weak moments.

I've spent a lot of time on an internet board related to miscarriage and pregnancy loss. Some people might think that is crazy and depressing, but I found it very therapeutic. I could relate to these girls that all went through a loss, regardless of how far a long they were. Of course I was always drawn to the later losses, because those were the most familiar to me. So for six months, I've made internet friendships with these girls. We've celebrated new pregnancies, and unfortunately, seen a lot of new losses. These girls are hilarious. They're funny. They're honest. They're sincere. And they genuinely want to see us all succeed. Plus, I can ramble on to them about a good day or a bad day related to Angela without boring my friends "in real life". If I feel that there should be a cutoff point to really talking about this, I'm sure others sense it too. This board is my outlet.

But I have also learned a lot. And not necessarily the stuff you want to think about when you're pregnant again. Especially the frequency of miscarriages, or how often people go in for their first ultrasound, only to find out that the baby has already passed. So for my own sanity and health, I don't read the board as much. I check in to see how the "girls" are doing and see if there are any "BFP's" (Big Fat Positives).

Once a girl has a BFP, she moves over to another board, Success after Loss. I don't really go there either. More because I'm afraid to admit I'm a success. I know that at this point, David and I won't consider this pregnancy a success until we hold our baby in our arms, and we bring him or her home. However, I kind of lurk and read their posts. These girls get it. Long gone are the days of worrying about what to register for, or what color to paint the nursery. These girls focus on getting past their timeframe of the first (or second or third) pregnancy loss. Each doctor appointment is celebrated. Each day is a milestone. Each question is sincere. And I get that.

We have a long ways to go in terms of our milestone of 22W6D. I will be able to do the math tomorrow, but roughly, I think it is the first week of June.

Things will be different this time. Different is good. I know we'll have extra ultrasounds but I won't be considered high risk. I am so anxious to see the baby tomorrow. I'm sure I will cry. I am just thinking about it. At this size, it's only going to be a piece of rice. But damnit, if I see a heartbeat, I will be the happiest person ever. That little fleck of white flashing light. I remember it like it was yesterday when we saw Angela's.

I am hoping that this pregnancy will be smooth sailing. That everything will fall into place. That I will feel great and the baby will be healthy and David and I will maintain a sense of sanity.

Tomorrow is a big day. Lots of prayers tonight.

Sinus Infection

I have a sinus infection. They prescribed a Z-pack, which I held off on taking for one day...to spare the baby, even though it was approved. I thought I was dying this morning, so I took it. I am miserable. I am very limited on what I can take, and what my doctor approved. Sudafed (plain) only, the Z-pack, and saline nasal spray.

If I could drink Nyquil right now and sleep, I would. But I can't.

David and I laughed. Dr. David (my old doctor) once said that "Mother = Suffer". Nice. I don't want to complain too much, because I'm so happy to be pregnant.

But to paint a pretty picture, my eyes are watering, my nose is raw, I've switched to toilet paper rolls because I've run out of Kleenex and I keep sneezing. I feel like the girl in the Nyquil commercial that has the annoying roommate.

And no food sounds good. Except I ate Cheez-Its. There is something about me being pregnant that causes me to eat Cheez-Its. Shafer Babies like Cheez-Its. Whatever, I bought the reduced fat kind. I told David he might have to pick something up for me for lunch. I have no appetite. But I'm starving. I don't feel hungry, but my stomach says otherwise. What the heck is up with that? The baby is hungry...and I think she wants a Wenday's Single Combo with Cheese. Oh, I wish I could have a Diet Coke to go with that....

I'm sick.

I have a nasty cold and sore throat and my ears are bothering me. I took today off of work to sleep in, but it's hard to sleep when you can't breathe. I have an appointment at Health Services at 1:30 PM. Mostly because of my throat and ears. There's not much I can do. In fact, I haven't been able to do anything yet. Whatever Health Services tells me I'll confirm with my doctor before I take it...but I feel like garbage.

I'm hoping my nap will feel better. As long as I don't have strep or an ear infection, I'm still planning on taking the girls to Build-A-Bear tonight. I'm sure I picked this cold up from one of the kids when we were celebrating my moms birthday last weekend.

I just don't enjoy the spontaneous runny nose.

I'm off to loaf on the couch. Pitty party for me.

New Dates??

OK. So, our first appointment has been moved up to February 12th at 10:00 AM. I was really liking the idea of having it on Valentine's Day, but then we had to move it up to accommodate another doctor appointment on Valentine's Day. Priorities.

According to the nurse on the phone, she said that I am 7-weeks, not 6-weeks. While that's great in terms of shaving off an extra week...it requires some things to happen sooner then I expected. Needless to say, I spent 45-minutes on the phone today updating appointments. I'm still a bit panicked by getting everything ready for our week 10 testing.

All things considered, with the extra week under our belt, I may be able to share the good news in conjunction with my 30th birthday party. Wouldn't that be great!? I can not think of a better gift for David and me.

I shouldn't plan though. I've been burned by that. I have such a blessing and a curse with knowing dates, and paying attention to things like that. For example, when I look at coupons, I think about how far along I’ll be when they expire. NERD! I made that mistake before.

It’s really a catch 22. I remember we talked about this in the summer, about what we would do differently. And we said we wouldn’t change anything because there was nothing that we could have done to prevent Angela’s problems. So, I’m going to hold true to that with one exception…and that is holding off on telling our families.

I really am just trying to hold on to the fact that there is nothing we can do to change what is growing in my belly. And by the way, I think we’re having a GIRL! However, I’m being good.

So, if I’m 6-weeks (according to my stats) here’s what’s going on in my body this week.
This week's major developments: The nose, mouth, and ears that you'll spend so much time kissing in eight months are beginning to take shape. If you could see into your uterus, you'd find an oversize head and dark spots where your baby's eyes and nostrils are starting to form. His emerging ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and his arms and legs by protruding buds. His heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute — almost twice as fast as yours — and blood is beginning to course through his body. His intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to his lungs has appeared. His pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of his brain, muscles, and bones. Right now, your baby is a quarter of an inch long, about the size of a lentil bean.See what's going on in your uterus this week.

If I’m 7-weeks (according to nurse Kelly) here’s what’s going on in my body this week.
The big news this week: Hands and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs — although they look more like paddles at this point than the tiny, pudgy extremities you're daydreaming about holding and tickling. Technically, your baby is still considered an embryo and has something of a small tail, which is an extension of her tailbone. The tail will disappear within a few weeks, but that's the only thing getting smaller. Your baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch long, about the size of a blueberry.If you could see inside your womb, you'd spot eyelid folds partially covering her peepers, which already have some color, as well as the tip of her nose and tiny veins beneath parchment-thin skin. Both hemispheres of your baby's brain are growing, and her liver is churning out red blood cells until her bone marrow forms and takes over this role. She also has an appendix and a pancreas, which will eventually produce the hormone insulin to aid in digestion. A loop in your baby's growing intestines is bulging into her umbilical cord, which now has distinct blood vessels to carry oxygen and nutrients to and from her tiny body.See what's going on in your uterus this week.

I Think Freddy Knows

I am so excited for our first appointment. I will feel so reassured when I see the baby on the monitor. I know we have a long haul, and that nothing is guaranteed, but I just have to be positive.

I feel great. I'm exercising and being pretty good about food. Although I've determined that no more Skyline Chili for me. This baby does not like spicy food :) I know it's ridiculous to think I would even notice something like this already, hell, according to my stats I'm only 5W6D, I swear, the baby is screaming "STOP!"

I ate Skyline on Friday when I went out to lunch with some friends, and then I had to run Friday afterwork to meet my weekly challenge goals. I thought flames were going to burst through my chest! But, I pushed through it and I finished. I've never had that kind of heartburn before. Yikes!

Last time I was pregnant, my sense of smell was on warp speed. Well, it's happened again. I swear, I can smell EVERYTHING. It's crazy how sensitive it's become. Especially at work. If someone heats something up in the microwave, I can smell it at my desk. GROSS. Last March, a group I sat near was celebrating Spring and boiled hotdogs in a crock pot right by where I sat. OMG, I thought I was going to be sick all day. It was torture!

I think Freddy knows this time. (Freddy is our dog). I've read in books that animals sense pregnancy. That a pregnant woman puts off hormones. Well, last time, Freddy must have known it was not going well, because he didn't sense much. He was so depressed those last few weeks, and then immediately after. To the point I was concerned enough to talk to our vet. Freddy wouldn't eat! This was huge. I thought Freddy was sick, it was awful. But no, he was depressed because we were.

Back to today...Freddy knows! He is by my side 24/7. To the point that I've almost tripped over him. He just lays by me and wants to be near me. I love it! Dave has noticed it too. So, we talk to Freddy about the baby and tell him that he might have a permanent guest by the end of the year. He just cocks his head and looks at us like we're nuts.

I'm off to watch the Super Bowl commercials and work on my crocheting :)